A mothers love.


"You will never feel love like you do for your child"  ......something  I was told over and over again throughout my pregnancy. I have to admit; I didn't really get it. 
I mean, love is love- right?

Now I have to be honest, after a long, excruciatingly painful labour, I didn't feel this 'love' instantly when my son was born like everyone said I would do. I was in shock; still woozy from the gas and air and definitely not feeling too good after the whole childbirth thing. But let me tell you; the second that my family left the hospital, it hit me. I felt it and I knew I'd never go back on that feeling for the rest of my life. It was just me and him, the two of us, mother and son. 

I took a while to just sit and stare at him as he slept. So many thoughts rushed through my mind. I was RESPONSIBLE for this little life. He was pure innocence and beauty wrapped up in a tiny blanket.  He was mine. 

At first, When I picked him up to hold him and cuddle him,  I didn't really know what I was doing. I hadn't much experience with new borns but this was different. He was like an extension of me and I was all he knew in the world at this point in his life. He knew nothing but the comforting sound of my heart beating, the familiar sound of my voice and the smell of my skin. 

I never slept a wink that first night. I spent my night getting to know him, even though he slept peacefully. I watched him shuffle and squirm as he slept; just like he once did in my tummy. I watched his chest move as he breathed. I studied his face and his tiny features. I fell in love with him that night, and yes, it was a different kind of love. It was an unbreakable love, one which has grown stronger with every single day since then. A love that softened me as a person and put things into perspective. A love that made me appreciate every day of my life.  A love that taught me to be totally selfless and incredibly caring.  

I wake in the night for him because I love him. I give him the last piece of my toast because I love him. I clean squished banana out of his hair because I love him. None of these things are a chore, I do them without question. It's just being a mother, you care about this little person more than you've ever cared about yourself or anyone else before.  I'm all he's got in the world and right now I'm all that he needs.

With every special moment and every new achievement; my heart fills with so much love that I think, one day, it might burst. The first smile, the first little giggle he let out when I tickled his chest, the time he clapped along with me. The feeling I experienced was like no other. The proudest, happiest moments of my life have come from watching that little boys face light up and his smile spread right across his face. 

11 months have passed since that very first night in hospital with him and I now know his every move, every expression, every joy and every fear. I know him inside out, I read him like a book. Why? How? Because I'm his mother. And because he's my son. 
Just like that first night, he still seeks comfort from me, connects with me and looks to me for reassurance amongst a room full of people. He knows that I'm the one to keep him warm and safe. I'm the one to feed him and keep him clean. I'm the one to talk to him and play with him. I rock him and sing to him when he's sad. He throws his podgy little arms into the air when he's tired because he knows I will pick him up and soothe him. 
This bond is made up from the truest, purest, most beautiful kind of love. There is nothing he could do to ever make me stop loving him. That is the difference.