My story.

So now that I've published a few write ups, a few of you who aren't particularly close to me are probably wondering about Etiennes father and wondering 'who is this man?' And 'why did he leave?' Some of you might know only half of the story, so I feel it's time to share the truth behind Etienne's father's absence. Here is my side to the story. 

December 2012.

I got myself a new job in a bank, after a crazy few months of moving around and not having a clue where I was going with my life, It seemed like a great opportunity and I was excited for new experiences and looked forward to meeting new people.

My first day went well, everyone was so incredibly friendly and helpful; I'd never experienced that in a workplace before, people came out of their way to come and introduce themselves and to let me know that if I needed help with anything; they'd be happy to assist me. After what seemed like HUNDREDS of new faces and names I couldn't remember, I thought to myself 'I must have been introduced to every single person in the building by now.' The day flew by and I already felt happy and comfortable in the work place. 

A few days passed, I was busy training in the office upstairs and spending time with my line manager who was talking me through a few things. The training was fine but it got a little difficult to concentrate after spending days looking at a computer screen between the hours of 9am and 5pm, so I was told I could go downstairs and 'shadow' someone to see what I could expect from the job on a typical day. 

I don't know why but I remember this moment crystal clear, perhaps because of where it's lead me to now, I don't know. I was introduced to the team that I would be sitting with and working with for the weeks/ months to come. There were three men, 2 of which I recognised after having already been introduced a few days ago. The third, I had never seen before. I was told that he would be training me and that he would 'look after me.' It's so ironic when I think about what came next. 

I was quite shy at the time but this 'third guy' was lovely, he really helped to include me in the conversations and we hit it off straight away. Now I won't mention names but for the sake of this blog I'll call him Tom. 

Over the next few weeks, I sat with Tom and he showed me the ropes, trained me from scratch and helped me with any problems or questions I had. We shared some banter and it made the job so much more enjoyable. We became very good friends within such a short space of time and I'd never really experienced that with anyone.

Now I'll save the details but in January 2013, roughly a month after meeting Tom, I was faced with a really difficult time in my life and I spent some time off work, struggling to pull myself together emotionally. I have to say, it's the lowest point I've ever reached in my life and I never wish to ever feel that way again. I didn't know who to turn to since my family live in France and there was nothing much anyone could do to change what had happened. 

Then, Tom contacted me (this is the first time we had spoken outside of work) initially to say that if I needed to talk to anyone, he was there and that if there was anything he could do at all,I should let him know. We exchanged a few messages and he managed to really cheer me up and help me to see that I was worth more than how my ex had treated me. 

When I returned to work, everyone would ask if I was ok and if they could do anything to make the days a little easier for me. Everybody was really great and I'm so thankful, to this day, that I had these people in my life at this time. I would never have received this kind of support from previous colleagues at old jobs. But for whatever reason, Tom stood out as being the one person I felt I could go to with a problem; someone I felt genuinely cared about me despite having only known each other for a short while. 

Time moved on and I felt better and stronger about the recent events. I started going on nights out with my work friends and feeling like life was fun again. Tom always came along and we always had such a laugh. I think it was at this point that people at work started to question if there was something more than friendship between myself and Tom. No, there wasn't, but it felt like maybe there could be. 

It got to the point where tom and I would text each other all evening, every evening after work. A few times we met up and went for a drink or he came over to my flat for dinner. Still, there was no romantic involvement, it was purely 'friends' but I knew that my feelings were trying to tell me otherwise and I felt the same vibes from him. 

We would spend all day at work together and then all evening chatting too. I can't remember exact timing but there was one evening when I thought to myself 'what's the point in covering up how I really feel?' And so I told him that I felt we had more of a connection that most friends would, and that I had started to like him in a way that was much more than friends. He instantly got back to me and told me he felt the exact same. His exact words being "it's obvious we have had this undeniable chemistry from the start." However, here's where it began to get complicated; he told me that we would have to just be friends because he had plans to go travelling and that it wouldn't be accepted at work if we got into a relationship. I felt a little confused as to where we went from here, but I guess fate had it's way with us.

Funnily enough, it was then, AFTER, having discussed how we couldn't be together, that things became more than friends. We saw each other most days after work for dinner, film nights, the occasional drink. He even came for a few drinks with my sister and I. It was clear, no matter what anyone says now, that we had strong feelings for each other and that we got along like a house on fire.

Time went on and we became closer and closer, with him now spending whole weekends around my place from Friday evening after work, right through to Monday mornings and walking to work together. We maintained a professional working relationship and never let on to anyone about what was going on between us, though most people had already guessed. 

March 2013; It was my birthday weekend and Tom had promised that he would treat me to a meal at my favourite restaurant: Cafe Rouge in Brighton. Instead he had to shoot off, last minute, to Cambridge for the weekend as his 'friend' was unwell and needed him.Throughout his train journey he sent me messages saying how much he couldn't wait to spend time together when he got back and how he loved everything about the time we had already spent together. 

Then, things became a little odd. He didn't get in touch with me the whole weekend, leaving one of my messages unanswered. He spent his weekend with this friend and I seemed to have been forgotten about. I felt a little bit frustrated and even more so since I hadn't even received a 'happy birthday' from him. Nevertheless, I went out for the evening with my friends and tried my best to enjoy my birthday night out without giving the situation much further thought. 

We were now at the end of March and for days now, I hadn't felt very well. This wasn't a hangover; I had never felt like this in my life. The only thing I could put it down to was the flu. Symptoms just kept on appearing and I became a little concerned about what was going on with me, I didn't feel like myself at all. One of my friends listened to my symptoms and suggested that, just to be on the safe side, I do a pregnancy test! I laughed, "there's no way I'm pregnant." 

On April 3rd, I did the test anyway, just so that I could reassure my friend that I wasn't pregnant. I bought the cheapest test, thinking that I didn't want to waste my money on something that I knew would be negative. 

To my absolute shock and disbelief, there it was; POSITIVE. I had never felt so shocked, confused, scared and speechless in my entire life. I did FOUR tests to make sure that the test kit wasn't faulty. Each and every test came up with an instant positive symbol. In this moment, my life was about to change forever. I wasn't ready, I wasn't prepared for this. What's more, how the hell was I going to tell Tom?! We hadn't really spoken for a few days since his trip to Cambridge and now he was away on holiday so I'd have to either tell him over the phone or wait until he got back! I couldn't leave it any longer, he had to know.

I got in touch with him straight away and he was ok about it. Obviously he was in total shock too. He didn't really say much but his first question was if I was ok. I felt so much better that I had told him, it meant I didn't have to bottle it all up so much. At this point, my family didn't know but I was reassured by his response and he promised he would come straight over to my flat as soon as he got back from holiday (the following day.) 

When Tom arrived at my flat, he gave absolutely nothing away. He didn't treat me the way I was used to him treating me, but I guess he was in so much shock that he wasn't really sure how to act or what to say to me. Overall, he was quite decent and he comforted me that evening, told me not to tell my family yet, until we figured something out. We didn't speak about what went on in Cambridge, to be honest, this was the least of my worries and it simply didn't cross my mind. 

We spent a few days chatting in the evenings and as for work; he came over to me regularly to check how I was feeling. I was beginning to feel queasy and extremely tired at work. I could barely keep my eyes open and I couldn't tell anybody why. Nobody understood, except him, which in a weird way, drew me closer to him. My hormones were all over the place and with every day that passed, I felt more and more drawn to him but he never really showed the same emotions back. 

We carried on at work as normal and I became increasingly more confused about the whole situation.

I will remember this day for as long as I live. One day, at work, he wouldn't so much as make eye contact with me, despite his previous support and concern for how I was feeling. He simply would not look me in the eye and he didn't say a single word to me that whole day. As I left work at 5pm, I received a message from him, saying that he had taken a few days to mull things over and he wanted to chat, tonight. He told me he had written all of his thoughts and feelings down. I had no idea what to expect. 

That night, he arrived at my flat with this letter. He asked me if I wanted to read it myself or if he should read it to me. I asked him to read it. I won't go into too much detail of what the letter contained but what I will say, is that this letter changed my future completely, this one letter explains why I am where I am today. Let's just say, this letter was the most shockingly heartless thing I've ever read. 

It started; "this is going to be one of the hardest, most brutally honest and horrible things I'll ever have to do, but it needs to be said."

I'm sure you can guess what the letter went on to say. He didn't want to be a father.

Initially, it wasn't this that upset me so much, it was some of the things he had included in this disgustingly selfish letter. "If you go through with this, I will not stay In Brighton, in fact whatever the outcome, my stay in this town is coming to an end. The emotional strain this has already put on me means that I can not have any involvement in raising this child."

He went on to admit, in his letter, that this female friend he had gone to see in Cambridge, was in fact someone he had feelings for. They got into a relationship shortly after he wrote this letter, and as far as I know, they're still together today. 

This letter totally broke my heart, not down to my own feelings towards him, but because of my innocent unborn child. I'll never be able to put into words how I felt. I was so betrayed by someone who had been such a good friend to me all this time. He was the first person to pick me up when I was low and now he was dropping me, just like that. 
Yeah, you guessed it, he left. And no, he never returned. I doubt he ever even looked back. He was so cold and so closed off from the pregnancy that to him, it probably never even sunk in. I was only about 10 weeks pregnant, I hadn't even gone for the first scan, and he was already gone. 

I never saw him again. That 'friend' or whatever you want to call him, never did anything to get in touch with me. He never came to the scans, he never asked if the baby was healthy, he never even contacted me when the due date came around. My son was born into the world and I heard nothing from Tom. His family shared the same feelings towards the situation and they too, never met my son. Not only had my son lost his father, but also his grandparents and uncle too. Tom moved to Cambridge and now lives with the girl mentioned above. It would appear to me that he lives his life just like before all of this, he has not shown even an ounce of remorse for what he did to me or our son.

The one thing that really stood out in his letter is this;

"I don't think there is any way that I, or you, can afford to go through with this and provide a good quality of life for anyone. Neither of us are ready to have children and the experience that child would have would not be pleasant."

Little does he know, he couldn't have been more wrong. Etienne is the happiest little baby. This is why I'm so determined to give him such an enjoyable life, because I never want those cruel words from that letter to become true. We might not have a lot of money, and I might not have been 'ready' to raise a child, but our life is happy and fulfilling. Etienne means more to me than anybody on this planet and nothing his father ever did ,or does, will ever change that. 

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